By Rebecca Morris
“What a completely strange thing it is — to become a new version of yourself in the blink of an eye.”
This is how singer, songwriter and Canadian entertainer Jann Arden finished one of her many poignant posts about supporting her mother, who is living with dementia.
Arden’s social-media posts, Instagram photos and, most recently, her new book, “Feeding My Mother — Comfort and Laughter in the Kitchen as My Mom Lives with Memory Loss,” have resonated with a generation of Canadians, many of whom are also struggling to care for an aging parent.
What makes Arden’s accounts on caring for her parents (her dad died in August 2015) so relatable are that they’re rife with ambivalence. She delicately navigates what it means to be a caregiver by unpacking not only the fear, frustration and guilt she has felt, but also the humour and joy that she experiences along her caregiving journey.
Earlier this year, Arden, like many other Canadians who are caring for an older parent, found herself at a crossroads as she tried to find “a place for mom.”
“Scared and uncomfortable,” Arden was likely asking herself many of the same questions that thousands of other caregivers who are at the juncture between home and care are. She might ask:
“Can they look after my parent like I do?”
“Can’t I keep going for a little while longer?”
And perhaps the most difficult question of all, “Is this what they would have wanted?”
These emotional questions are accompanied by more practical ones. Arden asks herself how to navigate the system of care, which she describes as “a wild-goose chase … overloaded and underfunded and at a critical point for a million reasons.” Will the care home be able to manage my family member’s dementia, how long will it take before they get a room, or how much is this going to cost?
When you speak with a caregiver who has transitioned a parent or a spouse into care, they will often tell you that the decision was one of the toughest they have ever had to make. When recounting the months that follow, many will recall grief, some a deep sense of relief, but most will experience a splatter painting of emotions — complex, vibrant, unpredictable and overlapping.
Ultimately, many of us will find ourselves in the situation that Arden’s mom finds herself in: incredibly overwhelmed. Therefore, we must continue to address the challenges of transitioning a family member into long-term care, and we need to do so in a way that is both political and deeply personal.
We must start asking why governments across the globe aren’t considering the aging population to be a public-health emergency, and why they’re not responding accordingly. But we must also start conversations between ourselves and our family members.
We all hope that we will age without injury, disease or changes to our cognition, but the reality is that most of us will not be this lucky. We need to consider what it means to age in place and help our aging parents to do the same. What will it mean to put in grab rails? Remove carpet and other trip hazards? Put in a lift or elevator? Hire homecare staff, or even manage our lawns?
Sharing our thoughts and preferences about aging and care with the people who love us is an important step. This means facing up to the fact we will all one day grow old and need help.
These conversations and the planning that accompanies them will help make it easier for the people who care for us to make the tough choices, which caregivers like Arden struggle with.
As Canada’s population ages, more of us need to advocate and share our stories about caregiving. Caregivers should know they’re on a journey that isn’t only challenging, but also meaningful and life-affirming. Most of all, caregivers should know they’re not alone.
Jann Arden has ignited the conversation, and now it’s time for millions of Canadians to join in.
Rebecca Morris is Manager, Public Affairs for Assisted Living and Home Care at the BC Care Providers Association.
This op-ed was originally featured in the The Province on May 28, 2018.
